Reflection on Mark 10:35-45

“Grant us to sit, one at your right hand and one at your left.”

James and John make a big ask of Jesus.

I have a hard time relating to them in this moment.

I’ve never been so bold, never been so self-assured.

I rarely ask a big favor, rarely make a big request.

I can relate to doing a thing for the wrong reasons.

I have struggled at times with ulterior motives and self-serving interests.

And I can imagine the appeal of Jesus’ power and popularity, 
the desire to be close to him
and to benefit personally from that relationship.

I once met an especially charismatic teacher. 

“Charismatic” in the true sense of the word – not merely engaging –
but spiritually gifted in an especially obvious way.

After studying with Jeff for a brief period of time, 
I signed up for a ten day pilgrimage in Peru, 
where we would hike high into the Andes 
to pray and seek union with God.

Ten whole days!

Surely in ten days I would get it.

Whatever he had – wisdom, gifts, power – 
it would be transferred to me as we rubbed elbows.

Of course, I didn’t know that I thought these things.

Didn’t know until afterwards,
or maybe somewhere in the middle. 

This made the trip a terrific disappointment.

I was disappointed that I had to share Jeff with eleven other students.
(Yes, there were really twelve of us.)

I was disappointed that he didn’t show me any special attention.

I was disappointed in his lack of discernment as a teacher, 
that he didn't recognize my superiority over the other students,

the ones who lived behind their cameras like tourists.

The disappointment I felt was an arrow,
pointing in the direction of my hidden motives.

I wanted the seat of honor.

I never asked for anything or drew any attention to myself.

I just thought Jeff would figure it out.  
He was supernaturally intuitive, after all.

I was not James or John with their big mouths.

I was the other ten, my silent resentment building towards anger.

I wanted Jeff to give me something that wasn’t his to give.

Jeff is not Jesus.
And Jesus tells us that even he cannot guarantee the reward we seek.  
It is not his to give.

What we are guaranteed is work and suffering – the cup and the baptism.

We are reminded that life is gained only by giving it away in selfless service.

Martin Luther King, Jr. – on the eve of his assassination –
gave a great speech in Memphis. He said, 

“Like anybody, I would like to live a long life.  
Longevity has its place.  
But I’m not concerned about that now. 
I just want to do God’s will.”

If I look honestly at myself, I see
how often I am more concerned about my own life than about God’s will,

how often I ask what’s in it for me, where do I get to sit,

how often I feel angry and resentful when I don’t like what’s in it for me.

My hope and prayer is that Christ
show me the same loving patience he shows his disciples,

revealing to me the truth about myself in doses that I can bear,

guiding me away from self-interest,
(by its painful rewards of disappointment and anger)
leading me toward the path of self-giving,

the path of service, the path of love, the path of Life.